Changes.

See. There's a difference between the me of today...


And the me from three, four years ago.


It's that the me of today won't bend over backwards-

For anyone's sake.

Because I too have pride. You taught me that. All of you... In small ways, ways you'd never realize. And I suppose this is time for me to thank you for being there whenever I needed.

You made the past few years amazing.

And you've changed me. For the better.


Something I've realized not too long ago.

HEY BITCHESSSS-

I'm home.

God, I've missed everyone...


And I have some non-cosplay related good news to come.

I have to settle things and arrange stuff, and not everything is confirmed yet, but something amazing has happened.

The big man up there in the sky likes me now, it seems- or maybe he's mistaken me for someone else after all that dressing up?

I don't know, but I don't care. But one thing's for sure: Again, I've got that reason to smile.

Sorry if I've been a bitch over the past two weeks or so. There are just some things that take a while to get over. But this- well, I'm sure most of you know what this is- overwrites any shit that has happened. This is better than cosplay. This is better than most things that have happened to me before.

And schoolmates! Outing on Sunday. Yes no maybe? I've missed all of you so much.

Reflection.

It seems as if I have been emo-ing lately.

Okay, maybe that's an understatement... But I leave for Singapore with Jianing and Li Yun in a few minutes. May or may not post about our epic adventures there depending on how I feel about them. What you will see, though, are photos on Facebook, and posts including some about us being high on sugar.

For those of you that have e-mailed or commented, thanks so much. You don't know how much I've needed this. And for those of you that haven't, I want one million dollars at my doorstep tomorrow morning, along with a few bars of Cherry Ripe. Deliverable to Lim Wei Yun, and if a Mr. Klar tries to steal them from you bribe him with a few episodes of Axis Powers Hetalia.

... I just realized that he'll be able to read this. My blog, I mean, seeing as how all my posts get imported into my Facebook notes. But oh well. Err. Hello if you're reading this?

Oh well. Doesn't matter so much. For the moment, hasta la vista, don't miss me too much, yadda yadda yadda. I laughed two days ago, and am smiling now. There isn't any point in my moping around. All I can do is transform my sadness into proactivity, appeal to the universities, and hope for the best. And continue writing, posting, talking to people, going on with life as usual. Prudy, much as I hate to admit it, is right:

Hello!

Since you check your emails obsessively, I think you'll get this. But if you don't want to read any sort of "cheering up" emails yet, then please ignore this until you want to.

I don't think anything I saw anytime soon will make you feel better. But time will. Time heals all wounds. Its been a few days, and we're all coming to terms with what we've done to ourselves. Whatever it is, I just wanted you to know that nothing is over until you admit defeat. I understand you think its horrible, but its not. The event has passed. I hope you know that there is only one way - forward. You didn't fall on your back. Its not broken. Nothing like a little treatment to heal it. I think its pretty obvious, but life is filled with ups and downs (believe me, I've had my fair share of those), but its that we find solutions and keep looking forward, and never letting it prevent us from living our lives the way we WANT it to be led, the way it should be led.

You have time and youth. The possibilities are out there. Whether it is appealing, Australia or whatever, there are always options. Good luck.

To live in the past for too long, we become unable to see the paths in our future. It is the future that we should look to. So I dunno how you'll take this, but no matter how many times you refresh, it stays the same. You can't change the past. You can change the future.

Yes let me be depressive

Witness.

Do you realize what this means? I might not be able to go to London thanks to one. stupid. point. I needed 38, was predicted 41, and got 37. This is beyond horrible. I don't know what I'm writing. I'm only putting this up on my blog because I can't face having to tell people individually. I missed my offer. I was given a chance to reach for the moon and instead of falling to the stars, I fell on hard cold stone. My back's broken and my body aches and I don't know if I have the strength to climb up again.

Blog hiatus.

Writing hiatus.

Facebook spam hiatus.

Life hiatus.

I need something good to happen to me. Like, now.

Tell me: do dreams really come true? Because I don't think I believe in wishing any more.

Results.

In a few hours' time... I will know what results I got for the International Baccalaurate diploma, otherwise known as IB or International Bullshit to the angry masses.

Looking back, I really can't believe it's been two years: two years since I started this course. Two years since I threw away the tree outfit and donned the black and white, two years since I sold away my freedom for sweat and tears and blood and a double-digit number that has yet to appear. And I suppose, in those two years, I've grown; grown from a stupid little kid to a stupid big kid.

I've bitched and joked and worked and prayed. I've learned some of life's most valuable lessons and gotten to know some of the best people. I've laughed and cried and screamed and yelled, I've learned and thrived and flung books from one side of my room to the other in tears.

And in a few short hours... It will really all be over.

Now, for the masses. Here are some extracts from the posts I wrote in the last year of doing the IB- though they say you never do the IB. The IB does you.

1/9/08: (When the first term of Year 13 started)

THIS IS GETTING TOO FUCKING MUCH.

3/9/08: (When I found out that I had to stay in HL Math because I was predicted a 5, not a 4)

...

I got my predicted grades.

WHY. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

(is it possible to be both annoyed and happy at the same time? to feel as if people are giving you false hope but then be somewhat pleased that all these people, your parents your teachers your seniors are all telling you you can do it. but you don't know whether they're just trying to inflate your ego so that you don't fall again

and because they're afraid of picking up the pieces.)

9/10/08: (After studying too much Wilfred Owen)

wrapped up in rose-tinted sheets, she lifts her eyelids with a
sigh, gazing into the distance outside her window
and the breaking sun. daytime has arrived, sealing the doors of a
sleepless night shut, marking
the end of a horizon of restless dreams,
winding tapestries with battered seams.

is it too much to ask? no, fat skeleton stares back at her from
her mirror; she needs not have mascara under her eyes
and yet she is snow-white; shot at dawn, wondering
what and why and how
this will be if she stumbles ahead.

24/10/08: (After screwing up my Cambridge interview)

Oh, well.

Throwing away everything you've been working for for the past two years isn't the end of the world!

4/1/09 (... Oh and I got rejected by the way, by a phone call. See what I mean?)

I dreamed that I got rejected.

Now, we shall apply the same logic to this that we have to my other dreams. For the IOC, I dreamed that I would get a certain chapter (but proceed to totally mess it up). In reality, Eveline got that chapter, and she did not mess it up.

Therefore, that means...

Someone else will get a rejection? (Preferably someone on the other side of the world)

Or...

I will get a rejection, but not in the form of a letter. Possibly an e-mail? A phone call? I don't know.

I don't know if I want to know.

11/5/09: (During exams)

HEY GUYS
Wei Yun is busy
Wei Yun is stressed
But not doing anything about it
WHY
BECAUSE
SHE IS STUPID!
LOLOLOLOLOL
Do you like rabbits? I like rabbits

... It seems like my mental state just went downhill, didn't it?

In place of the rant that was supposed to be here.

To be very frank, I am not by nature a nice person. Only by nurture am I a sweet and caring girl.

And sometimes I get tired of having to be tactful, having to take care of peoples' feelings, having to be all oh it's okay never mind I'm not angry when all I wanted to do was blow up in someone's face.

Maybe it's something to do with the fact that it takes a lot for me to trust a lot of you.

Because what if I want my pride too? What if I'm too afraid to admit to myself that things affect me more than I wish they would... And that I'm just a sad and vulnerable kid deep down?

It was an innocent mistake and I will not elaborate on it any further; if you're one of the people involved please come to me and I will tell you my side of the story. If you aren't, please do not approach me about this- unless you're one of the people who know that I will share this anecdote with. You know who you are, you know who I can say these things to.

Yes, person involved, this is an apology: please take it as such. It is a sincere apology that comes from the bottom of my heart, and I hope for your forgiveness. I'd like it to end here now, but then again, whether it ends or not would totally and wholly depend on whether you forgive me and whether you can actually take it in you to trust me again.

As I said, no ill intentions were involved, and it is up to you as to whether I am to believed.