Rules.

1) I will allocate myself two to three hours of writing time every day, each day starting when I wake up and ending when I go to sleep. More, if I feel like it.

2) In those hours of writing time, I will not sleep, check Facebook, update Twitter, read blogs, or do anything else other than write. If I break this rule, I will have to disconnect my internet and leave my room until the two hours are up.

3) If I break Rule 1 more than twice a week, I will restrict myself from RP-ing, going out with friends, and the purchasing of candy.

4) If the first draft of my novel is not AT LEAST halfway finished by the time summer is out, I will not allow myself to have a farewell party before I leave for university, and if it is not halfway finished before London MCM Expo I will not allow myself to go. At all.

5) Writing time should take priority over going out with friends and having a social life in general.

6) If I am feeling too miserable to write, IT IS AN EXCUSE. I AM LYING TO MYSELF.

7) I will produce at least 500 words a day. If I do not, the two-hour rule does not apply- I will at least write until 500 words have been written.

This begins tomorrow. And ends when I leave.

Meh emo post.

This isn't about anybody. This is about me... And that's the root cause of the problem. Because it's about me and because no matter what I do, it can't be solved.

I'm sick of trying to be happy.

There. End.

Refresh.

Every night, I log onto the IB results site to see whether a miracle has happened... And I see it, see the two numbers there. 37. 37. So close, yet so far.

Refresh.

Refresh is all I can do.

Refresh, pray, hope for the best.

I reply to conversations. I dot my chats with smiley faces and "haha"s and "lol"s. I go out with friends and have a good time. I check my e-mail and Facebook obsessively, just like I used to. But what people don't know is that I always have one more tab open...

Refresh.

Refresh.

I've been inactive for too long, so I log in again. I reply, I read mails, I talk on the phone. Maybe I go play Disgaea for a bit. Then I return to the computer, look at the website, and click that button on the top...

Refresh.

Because I wish that's what I could have done for the past two years... Reload, and hope that this time, the data comes out right.

Yes let me be depressive

Witness.

Do you realize what this means? I might not be able to go to London thanks to one. stupid. point. I needed 38, was predicted 41, and got 37. This is beyond horrible. I don't know what I'm writing. I'm only putting this up on my blog because I can't face having to tell people individually. I missed my offer. I was given a chance to reach for the moon and instead of falling to the stars, I fell on hard cold stone. My back's broken and my body aches and I don't know if I have the strength to climb up again.

Blog hiatus.

Writing hiatus.

Facebook spam hiatus.

Life hiatus.

I need something good to happen to me. Like, now.

Tell me: do dreams really come true? Because I don't think I believe in wishing any more.

In place of the rant that was supposed to be here.

To be very frank, I am not by nature a nice person. Only by nurture am I a sweet and caring girl.

And sometimes I get tired of having to be tactful, having to take care of peoples' feelings, having to be all oh it's okay never mind I'm not angry when all I wanted to do was blow up in someone's face.

Maybe it's something to do with the fact that it takes a lot for me to trust a lot of you.

Because what if I want my pride too? What if I'm too afraid to admit to myself that things affect me more than I wish they would... And that I'm just a sad and vulnerable kid deep down?

It was an innocent mistake and I will not elaborate on it any further; if you're one of the people involved please come to me and I will tell you my side of the story. If you aren't, please do not approach me about this- unless you're one of the people who know that I will share this anecdote with. You know who you are, you know who I can say these things to.

Yes, person involved, this is an apology: please take it as such. It is a sincere apology that comes from the bottom of my heart, and I hope for your forgiveness. I'd like it to end here now, but then again, whether it ends or not would totally and wholly depend on whether you forgive me and whether you can actually take it in you to trust me again.

As I said, no ill intentions were involved, and it is up to you as to whether I am to believed.